The officer called the capture of the Paper Cut Killer, whose name is actually Pape R Cutler, the, "most significant achievement to date" in the effort to cut crime and save trees in Conolia.

Cutler was located at an onion farm with thousands of reams of paper stacked in a barn along with hundreds of crates of lemons. "With as much paper and lemon juice as he had," Copper said, " this could have been worse. This could have been so much worse."

Authorities are now stumbling over each other to take credit. Mayor Vegro Bigov said today that, "justice has been done because I allowed the police to do their work. " Members of congress have also claimed that their laws against onions and ninja monkeys along with the funding of the police department are what lead to Cutler's arrest.

Thousands filled the streets in celebration when the news of Cutler's arrest was made. However, others protested these celebrations claiming they were behaving just like Cutler and his followers. "They're throwing confetti," one protestor told us. "Confetti is made of paper. Someone could get seriously cut. How are we any different than Cutler?"

Dr. Paniklowsky of Conolia University issued a warning to the press. "We must not let our guard down now that the Paper Cut Killer has been caught," he said in a written statement that we cannot confirm was actually from Paniklowsky. "It's not over. Someone will take his place and there will be retaliation. If there was ever a time to panic, it's now. Panic! Panic! Oh, the humanity! Yours truly, Dr. Paniklowsky."

Osama Bin Ladin was unavailable to comment. God bless the U.S. military!