Although the Warriors currently lead the league with most wins, their accumulative points are the worst in the league. The complaint issued by the number two team, the Tigers, declared, “It’s not fair! I want to be at the top of the standings! Me, me, me, ME!”

Despite the whiney nature of the complaint, the CFL launched an investigation. “It was brought to our attention that whatever team the Warriors played seemed to have a bad week, therefore allowing the Warriors to pull ahead despite low scores,” CFL Commissioner Jenn Majewski told us. “We investigated the nature of this strange and very suspicious occurrence.”

The investigation turned up numerous infractions including under the table payments to referees, sleeping pills being slipped into the star players’ energy drinks of the opposing team, distracting opposing team with bananas, and recording the opposing team’s sidelines.

“I'm putting [the league] on notice,” owner of the Warriors said during a press conference after the investigation. “I’ve come to play and win! Even if it means using bananas.” *

The CFL is unable to take disciplinary action against the Warriors since their only rule on the books is that they must be drunk during the draft. **

When asked to comment, owner of the Divas stated, “You people are all lame. Leave me alone. Thank you for your cooperation.”

* Correction: the owner of the Warriors never mentioned anything about bananas.

** Conolia encourages responsible drinking.