“It’s terrible,” Iona Lott, mother of two living at 1234 N. Street Avenue with the phone number of (303) 555-1209, told us on the condition of anonymity. “I woke up one morning and stepped outside to have my life turned upside down. I couldn’t believe what was written on my sidewalk. Hopscotch! I spent a good two minutes crying and hosing down the sidewalk.”

City officials are concerned that the vandals are now targeting the rich, successful households where people much better than you and I live. They are also concerned with the increased consumption of water used to clean driveways and sidewalks during this period of severe drought.

Agwa Fornoone, a hydrological engineer with the Conolia Water District (CWD), stated that the current levels of consumption should concern everyone. “The CWD only has enough water to maintain the current level of consumption for four more months. Shoot, maybe it was actually 4000. Oh well, that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that at the rate we’re consuming water, we’re all going to die from global warming soon.”

Senator Lavette Intoleray has proposed a bill that would introduce a three step plan to reduce and potentially eliminate the chalk plague. “First, we would simply outlaw chalk except for medicinal purposes. Second, we would raise taxes on CWD until they can find away to create more water. Next, we would create a new branch of government to regulate chalk. Finally, we would impeach President Bush and make Al Gore dictator of the country.”

A poll taken of the residents of Lone Tree shows that four out of four people confidently blame obesity as the cause of global warming and their chalk plague. However, this unbiased news organization knows that Al Gore is at fault.