“Many Canadians have a gene mutation, caused by global warming, that makes them prone to the common cold,” a Conolia University professor told us on a condition of anonymity. “This cold can then trigger a cancer on Tuesdays during July when drinking juice during a snow storm and wearing a kilt. In all honesty, we really don’t have any proof of this phenomenon, but its implications are extraordinary.”

Legislatures are now considering passing a law that would require juice companies to add a label to their containers that warns Canadians against drinking juice on Tuesdays during the month of July in snowstorms while wearing a kilt unless they are wearing a high SPF sunscreen.

When asked to comment, a Canadian resident told us something that sounded smart and important. However, the specifics of the comment were not heard due to the overwhelming sounds of Americans laughing at his dialect.

Despite the study, eleven out of ten doctors still insist that drinking juices with a low level of sugar is healthy, even for Canadians on Tuesdays.

Actress and failed talk-show host Rosie O’Donnell was asked to comment and then was promptly ignored as soon as she opened her mouth to answer.

Jason Erdmann and Jenn Majewski contributed to this article.