Authorities are searching the greater metro area looking for a man deemed “The Paper Cut Killer”. Police describe the man as a 6’ 3” Caucasian male who often walks around with reams of paper. Officer Copper, spokesman for the Conolia Police Department, has warned people to stay in their homes. “The Paper Cut Killer is on the loose. He has cut several people with his weapon of choice leaving a stinging cut along any exposed skin,” Copper said during a press conference this afternoon. “If you must leave your home, please be sure to wear long pants and long sleeved shirts. Leave no skin exposed.”
When asked how many people the Paper Cut Killer has killed, Copper replied, “Well, none. He’s just left a few cuts on some people. But that’s not the point!”
Many residents in the area have taken Copper’s advice to heart. Malls and schools have closed for the day and many businesses have locked their doors. Even the state government has proposed a bill for paper control.
Scott Michael, manager of Conolia Paper Company, is against any kind of paper control. In an exclusive interview with us, he summed up his views by saying, “Paper doesn’t kill people. People kill people.”