Jenn Majewski sits down with Sayen Price, President of Conolia University. The transcript of the interview follows.
MAJEWSKI: Good morning Mr. Price. How are you today?
PRICE: Fine, fine.
MAJEWSKI: I'd like to start out this interview by discussing the changes you have made at the University in the last year. Let's start out with Dr. Paniklowsky. You hired him earlier this month despite many concerns that his studies usually show a need for panic. What do you say to those who have these concerns?
PRICE: Well, you know what I always say. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. You see, apples don't fall far from the tree.
MAJEWSKI: Are you saying an apple will keep Dr. Paniklowsky away?
PRICE: No, no. I'm saying that when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
MAJEWSKI: Um, okay . . . we'll just move on. You've said in the past that you would work to lower tuition for in-state students. What have you done to push this through?
PRICE: Well, you can kill two birds with one stone, but if you take a horse to water, you can't make him drink. I would like to think that you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
MAJEWSKI: I really don't know what that means.
PRICE: Of course you don't. You're not an educated person like me who knows that two wrongs don't make a right.
MAJEWSKI: Again, we'll just move on. With universities around the world involved in scandal among their athletes, what have you done at Conolia University to assure that the students learn about the consequences involved with late night parties?
PRICE: Well, you've got to fight for your right to party. You see, in my day it was well known that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
MAJEWSKI: What?! Are you actually promoting that students party at your school?
PRICE: No, no. Once again you have misunderstood me. I am simply suggesting that what goes up must come down and what goes around comes around. In this day and age it is easy to forget that you must fight fire with fire. After all, money doesn't grow on trees. Part of my job as president of the University is to make sure that the students understand that life is like a box of chocolates. If they don't understand this then stupid is as stupid does. Did you just roll your eyes at me?
PRICE: Yes, you did! I saw you!
MAJEWSKI: Well, Mr. Price, this has been an interesting interview, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to cut it short. Thank you for your time.
PRICE: You're welcome. And remember, goodbye is never forever.